Janice Horn
Grief is a very difficult topic to discuss. We often shy away from other people's grief because it makes us uncomfortable. We ask ourselves: What is the right thing to say or do? How do we fix their sadness? How do we avoid making matters worse? These questions often run through our minds before we speak to someone who has experienced a loss.
Society often tells us to attend the visitation or viewing, say, "I'm sorry," and leave it at that. However, helping a friend or acquaintance through a loss is much deeper than that. It is important to be present during the initial shock of the loss, but it is equally important to remain present months and even years afterward. The question remains: What is the best way to be there for someone who is grieving?
First, give the person time to process their loss, but continue to check on them. A simple text, phone call, or card saying, "I was just thinking about you," after the funeral can go a long way. Recently, I spoke with someone who told me, "My dad died, and everyone said, 'I'll be here to help.' Two weeks after the funeral, crickets."The silence after the funeral is often the most difficult time because reality begins to set in. Be a good listener and watch for clues from the grieving person. Sometimes talking about your own experience with loss can help; sometimes it cannot. Everyone's journey through grief is different, and it is important to remember that.
Second, always ask about the person who died. Sometimes people are afraid to mention the deceased because they fear upsetting the grieving person. In reality, sharing memories and telling stories about the deceased helps keep their memory alive. Do not be afraid of upsetting someone by mentioning their loved one. More often than not, it is comforting and meaningful.
It is also important to remember significant dates, such as the anniversary of the death, birthdays, holidays, and other milestones. The "firsts" are often especially difficult. Do not forget to check on the grieving person during these times. Be extra understanding of what they may be experiencing. Bring dinner, send a card, or do something thoughtful to show you care.
People often send food when a funeral occurs, which is greatly appreciated. However, months later, on a random Tuesday, a meal may be even more meaningful. You can leave the food at the door or stay and spend some time with the person if they would like company.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to continue showing up after the funeral is over. You may be met with resistance or hear, "I'm fine," but your efforts will still be appreciated. Checking in, asking how they are doing, or simply offering a listening ear reminds them that they are not alone. Grief is a journey, and knowing that someone cares enough to walk alongside them can make all the difference.
